In a classical vision of marriage, the husband and wife, together, contribute in their own way, within their own gifts, to the “economy of the home.” This can and may include—of course—income earning. It also means much more: inexact benefits that cannot be quantified in dollars and cents. In Wendell Berry’s memorable phrase, marriage is a “state of mutual help.”
The husband and wife together build a home that is developed into a well-oiled center of meaningful production. Sadly, the late modern vision of marriage is that husband and wife pursue independent careers under the thumb of a corporation, often competing with one another, in order to multiply the funds available so that the home because a well-oiled consumption center. To use Berry’s words, “The modern household is the place where the consumptive couple do their consuming.” 1
More personally and practically and perhaps less philosophically, I’ll speak to my own marriage. The ways in which Mandy helps me are innumerable. I, too, have the joy of helping her and that is the subject of this brief post.
Mandy has worked as a photographer for 14 years. She does all sorts of projects, including weddings. These events are special because I go with her. In 14 years, I’ve missed one wedding. The one I missed was in her first year.
At her weddings, I help her. I carry her many things around. I run errands. Gather groups. Shout instructions. I try to do *exactly* what she tells me to do as quickly or slowly as necessary. I make some mistakes that she bears with graciously. I try to solve problems and fix things.
She shoots mostly film, especially during daylight hours. A large part of my task is to change film, load film, and read light meters. I’ve ruined more than one roll. My tasks throughout the day are harder than you might think. They also give me more satisfaction than you can imagine.
Her business flourishes. It has given us many opportunities and sparked friendships that we would not know otherwise. (As a fun example, one of our deepest, closest relationships on this earth began because Mandy photographed the couple’s wedding). We have had many weekends away from our kids because of her work. That has helped our marriage. Very practically, the income she earns is essential for us to fulfill our responsibilities, financially speaking.
She has abundant work but commitments to our family and her help to me in my work limits her opportunities. In the same way, my commitments to our family and helping her in her work limits my opportunities. This is *normal* and fitting. Experiencing marriage as a “state of mutual help” is a deep joy.
This post focuses on work *outside of our home*. I have a few thoughts on what it might mean to live in a state of mutual help with regard to work *inside of our home.* More to come on that.
——
1 Wendell Berry, “Feminism the Body and the Machine,” in What Are People For? (Berkely, CA: Counterpoint Press, 2010). The entirety of this first paragraph is indebted to Berry’s vision. I still remember where I was when I read this essay.