Boys respond to clear challenge, goals, aims, etc. It seems to evoke the original call to the first man: the call to “have dominion.” My little girl responds to challenge, too. It just seems to resonate with my boys in a particular way. Not more or less, just particular.
Boys, and later men, live with a great deal of insecurity. When you meet a brash, insensitive, arrogant man, you should immediately believe that there is a world of insecurity underneath the surface, deep inside of him. Therefore, boys (girls, too!) need encouragement like they need to breathe air. It sustains their life in a very real way. They need to be looked in the eye and encouraged. They need to learn to receive those words and drink it deeply. I tell my boys all the time, “I’m about to tell you something. Drink it deep.”
Boys are very emotional. However, they need help identifying, understanding, and dealing with their inner life. In pastoral counsel, men tell me all the time, “I’m just not emotional.” To that, I say, “That’s not true. You are likely unfamiliar with your inner world.” My boys are easily as emotional as my daughter. However, Millie seems to more naturally know how to process her feelings, explain them, work through them, even at four years old. Whether this is specific to Millie, or to her femininity, I’m not quite sure. I chart it up as both in equal measure.
Boys need a great deal of physical affection. They need tender touches, snuggles, kisses, hand-holding, etc. Studies show that this sets a foundation for their ability to use their physical strength in holy and helpful ways later in their lives. (Perhaps the most important skill a man can possess is his ability to use his varied strengths to aid and cultivate the flourishing of others.)
I’ve learned this from countless others and others have explained it better than me. But I’ll add that boys, at least my boys, will tend to take a passive posture when they feel unsure, discouraged, or defeated. They will want to step back, quit, and blame others (Note that this is Adam’s original move in the garden after his sin.) As human persons, we have the ability to act and shape our world. I find it particularly important to remind my boys of their agency—their ability to shape a situation—so they won’t quit. If they will engage a matter with courage, determination, and selflessness, they will find their God-given strength. As noted above, their strength is only given to them for the sake of ensuring the flourishing of others (I footnote Andy Crouch here).
Of course in life, conversely, we are acted upon. Our ability to shape our world is limited. My boys will need to learn how to receive the things they cannot control. My boys’ limits are gifts God gives them. Boys need to be taught this reality in tension with learning their agency. They will need to learn that their weaknesses are not to be hidden, but embraced, as an invitation for others to come in. They will need to learn that they need others, are dependent upon others, to round out the places where they lack. My hunch is that this will help them later in life. It will aid them as they learn to shun a coercive and controlling posture toward the world. It will help them learn to receive the gifts of others as gifts, not threats to their position or status or standing.
Two final thoughts: 1) Much of what I share, of course, is particular to my boys. I concede this. But, I do wonder if some of these things could help others who are raising boys. 2) All of this is at work, in a unique way, in my daughter’s life, too. Not more or less. I’ll share more on this soon.